i love his mind, i love the way he's so thoughtful and smart

i love the way he treats the people that he cares about.

i love the fact that his mind is constantly consumed with how to fix injustices in the world, politics, and Africa....

his friends call him "duce" (pronounced "duche-a") because it means leader....

he's humble, he's hilarious, he's down to earth.

i love how he listens to me, and i love to listen to him.

i love the fact that he likes me for me ( at least i hope he does).

i also love the fact that he always asks me what I want

it's just so weird to think about the first day i met him... i was just being friendly and i asked this random stranger what his name was... who would have know that this guys would be so amazing

even though he's so awesome, i'm having a hard time having feelings for him...

mainly because there is too much uncertainty...

i just wish i had an idea of where our "friendship" was going...

i am so tired of being the stupid, love- struck girl...

it's hard to be friends with someone and also have feelings for them...

i've gone through this experience multiple times... and it just doesn't work...

it always seems like one of us ends up getting hurt... and this time, i don't want it to be me.

if i just knew where this "friendship" was going i think i would know how to handle this situation...

idk...


well... i gotta go to work... peace out!

ok... this blog is kinda random...

by i think random is my middle name... so whatever..lmao

yesterday i went to my sister house and a lot of my family was there.
my grandma, my sister, my little niece, my baby nephew, and my little brother.
My cousin patrick was also there and he decided that he was going to cook for us.

this blog is going to be about my cousin patrick...
basically, when were little kids we used to be so close....
i remember riding bikes, going to the library, him teaching me how to play songs on the piano, acting like we had magical powers, birthday parties, firecrackers, going to the park, playing in church... etc...

patrick was by far my favorite cousin ever...
but then he grew up... and without warning we just started to grow apart.

we grew apart to the point that it's been really awkward to hang around him...
i feel like i don't have anything in common with him..
he's a city boy and i'm still a country girl... and our worlds are so different. and i just don't feel like we're on the same level...

anyways... he was at my sisters house yesterday and for some reason... we just clicked.

for the first time in years, we were acting like we were actually related...lmao

he was teaching me his cooking tricks... we were talking about our hair (because he has locks too)... we were laughing about random stuff... we went to go pick up the supplies for dinner together....

we were acting like we were family.. it's been so long since we connected like that...

and it was kinda refreshing...

i guess this event was important to me because family is important to me...

and sometimes i don't feel like i have a family...

over this past year i've been really trying my hardest to build relationships with family members even though they have hurt me in the past...

for instance, my mom, who left me and brother out on the side of the road.......
or my dad, who used to abuse my mom and his children, and then decided to walk out of our lives...
my older sister, who used to fight me out of anger when i was kid and i couldn't defend myself...
and my grandma, who told me every chance she she could that everything bad that happened to me and my brother was my fault.
my brother, whom we lived in the same house, but we didn't talk for 2 years...

I've gone out of my way to build relationships with these people... and for the most part it's been working, even though i STILL feel the pain that they have caused me...

but it's important to me that i try to grow closer to them...

soooo... hanging out with patrick made my day... and hopefully we'll grow to be as close as we once were when we were children.